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A year later….a lifetime of wonder

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My Dad with Lydia on her 1st birthday

Someone asked me the other day if it felt like my Dad had been gone forever or if it felt like just the other day he passed.

I couldn’t answer.

The truth is, neither of those are true for me because it doesn’t feel real.

Until it does……….and then it hits me like a ton of bricks.

Like a punch in my stomach.

Then, there I am having to abandon my cart at Homeland grocery store because I’m crying so hard I can’t catch my breath.  I leap into my car and cry tears I didn’t even know were there.

I cry tears and feel sadness because an old man asked me where the tomato juice is and then I remembered that my Dad will never get that old.

And then in that moment I wonder.  I wonder so much….

What he’d think about Evie.

What he would be like as an old guy.

What did he wonder about?

What kind of relationship would we have as he got older.  Would he live with me or one of my sisters?  Would he cook us dinner?  He loved to cook.

I question everything I did and mainly didn’t do and I wonder “why the hell Haley….Why didn’t you.”

This week is hard.

I recall everything about this week last year with such clarity.  What I can tell you is that the day and the moment he took his last breath wasn’t the saddest part. I literally felt him leap out of this world and become free of pain.  Each time I asked my Dad if he was scared he always answered no.  I always made sure he wasn’t.  I was so scared I couldn’t hardly remember to breath.  I couldn’t imagine my life without him and here I am.  I had so much to tell him and to do with him.  I am still so scared to let go that I try to forget it’s real.

Grief doesn’t have a right or wrong response.  A year later I haven’t learned anything about this process except for that.

As I go through my life I’ll wonder about what my life would be like with him.  In that wonder I’ll do my best to honor him and remember he’d want what’s best and happiest for his girls.

Dad, I’m so so sorry you never got the chance to fill your own wonder and I won’t ever stop wondering for you.

I love you and I miss you.  Today and forever.

One Reason. My Dad.

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This is a picture of my Dad.  He died on February 13, 2014.  3 days before his 67th birthday and many many days too early.

He was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and 4 weeks later he was gone.  He knew what he was up against but he had this fight in him that I’ve never seen in my life.  The chaplain in the ER came to his bedside and asked him about an advanced directive and he just looked at us with tears rolling down his face and said “Well this is it.  I either make it or I don’t.  I love you all and I’ve always just wanted the best for you.”  He wanted so badly to live.  To fight this.  Like so many with cancer he didn’t get that chance.  Did he suffer in the interim of his fight?  Hell yes he suffered.  Did things happen to him he would have much rather his daughters not have to see?  Absolutely.  But I can tell you this much…..he didn’t die undignified.  He died with his daughters holding his hands and looking as dashing as always.  It actually was the most dignified, peaceful, and heartbreaking thing I’ve experienced.

My Dad was there and in one final breath he was gone.  Forever gone.

I didn’t start blogging again after 2 years to tell you this sad story without a point.  My point is simple…..a death while fighting for your life isn’t dying undignified.   Whatever that fight looks like it’s damn sure not undignified.

My take on this story of Brittany Maynard is simple.   I have no idea what it’s like to be diagnosed with cancer or be told this tragic news.  She however has put her opinion of her life out for us all to think about and start talking about.  While I feel so sad for her and the tragic news she has received about her own life I am appalled at the people calling her decision to kill herself brave and courageous so that she dies with dignity.  It’s not about religion for me nor is it about my feelings on mental health and suicide (don’t get me started with either of those topics) it’s simply about one thing…..My Dad.  I’d give anything to hold his hand one more day….whatever suffering came with that one day I’d still take it gladly.  I’d help him pee.  I’d hold him while he cried.  I’d help him remember where he was.  I’d do anything for just one more moment.  Whatever that moment was.  I’d introduce him to my daughter he never met.

Brittany Maynard may have 2 more days after she takes that pill.  She might have 2 months.  But she’s choosing to take those days away.  Those moments.  Those introductions never made.  I can’t understand that.

Sure it’s her choice.  Her body.  Her life.  I just wish she loved all those things enough to know that she can fight for every last breath and STILL die dignified.  Still die with love surrounding her.  Still make an impact on this world without making suicide ever seem right.

Baby Spooniest – The short version

I was diagnosed with PCOS a year before Teddy and I started trying.  I went on Metformin.  It hated me for about the first month but we liked one another after that.

I was on Clomid from my OBGYN for 3 months when Teddy and I got serious about trying.  It didn’t help me ovulate whatsoever.

We started seeing a fertility doctor that my OBGYN referred us to.  He pushed IVF from the very start. 

I had a HCG done and was told there was slight blockage and it was slow to fill.  IVF was pushed even harder. 

We wanted to get a second opinion.  We got ALL of our medical records from the first fertility doctor.  Including the HCG results and took them to another doctor that my OBGYN suggested. 

Our new fertility doctor (Dr. C) was AMAZING from the start and during the first meeting with Dr. C we never even heard the words IVF.  In fact she said that my HCG results weren’t bad at all and gave us a lot of hope. 

We felt much much better about our options and future.  Whew….that was a good idea to get a second opinion….thanks TEDDY! 

I was on Clomid for 2 months and still no ovulation. 

Dr. C gave me the highest possible dosage of Clomid along with a trigger shot and wanted to take this next cycle very serious and possibly try IUI if I did ovulate.  A person can only be on Clomid for up to 6 months at a time and this was my last month to try with this particular medication.

We ovulated!  Whewhew!  And on a whim we decided IUI would be our best bet!  Go big or go home!  We were ready to give it our best shot and this was our best shot!   Teddy held my hand the whole way through and before we left that room we held hands and said a prayer I’ll never forget.  A moment shared with my sweet husband that might not have been our ideal way of conceiving but it was where we were and we were blessed to be there.

We waited the 2 weeks after the IUI…..

And on the second to the last day of waiting I took a pregnancy test and it was negative.  I was so sad.  But Teddy reassured me that they make you wait for a reason.

I woke up the morning of the day we were supposed to test and it was POSITIVE!  I couldn’t believe my eyes….so I took 5 more tests.  We went to Dr. C’s office that morning, had my blood drawn and sure enough….the IUI and the prayers had worked.  We were Baby carrying fools and oh so happy! 

Some people might think this post is over sharing but I want this to give someone hope that might not have any.  And if you think it’s over sharing then I’m not sure why you’ve read this far down. 

Before you are ready to start trying I suggest having your OBGYN run tests on both!  Like my dad always says….If you’re going to do something do it right.  You can’t get pregnant if you aren’t working right! 

If you or your Teddy have a diagnosis of something that will hinder you from having children don’t be scared to ask your insurance if you have to wait the 1 year before seeing a fertility doctor.   Our insurance did not make us wait the year since my PCOS was stopping me from ovulating.  You have to ovulate to get pregnant….duh. 

If you have a tug at your heart-strings to get a second opinon DO IT!  Don’t be scared!  Some doctors just aren’t a good fit and that’s why there are lots of them!  What’s right for some couples just might not be what’s right for you!  It’s that simple! 

Sorry this post has taken me so long to write….I’ve been busy going to be at 7:30 PM CST.  I’ll be back soon to touch on the much more important topics like baby bumps that are confused with overeating and tummy fat and seeing your baby move on the ultrasound the first time.  It’s pretty amazing stuff….this being pregnant. 

Lots of love,

Spooniest and Baby Spooniest

 

Quakenados & A conversation

We have had 4 earthquakes in Oklahoma City and last night they were accompanied by their good pal Tornadoes!  Seriously!?!?  Is someone just messing with me!  I’ve had it!  I’m a total mess when I’m anxious..I pace and walk around….except however in the event of an earthquake because I found out last night if you are in bed just to stay there and cover your head.  Done and Done.  I stayed in bed all night.  Wish I was there now.

–Yes, Most people feel very sorry for Teddy if that’s what you are asking yourself right now.

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Today I went to Buy For Less to grab some lunch.  I am 80 years old and eat at the grocery store. 

When I was standing in line to check out this elderly man was near me and he looked scruffy and had a back pack and to be honest he looked homeless.  I then admired how many packs of M&M’s he was buying and he said that they were MUCH cheaper at Buy for Less than on the Greyhound.  I responded with “like the bus?”….NO THE DOG YOU IDIOT!  And he said “Yes, I ride the bus all over the country…just something to do”  I asked him what the country was like and where his favorite place was and what he thinks about Oklahoma.  We talked for a while because the little lady in front of us couldn’t work the debit card machine.  Fancy things.  As I was walking off I told him it was great talking to him and he said likewise.  I saw him walking out and when I drove by he was sitting next to a trashcan eating his lunch and M&M’s (hopefully just one pack at a time) and my heart sunk.  I thought to myself so many different things right then. 

The truth is this guy could have been a drug addict or he could have been sober his whole life.  He could have no kids or 24.  He could be from Ohio.  I have no idea.  What resonated with me most was I could have been the ONE and ONLY conversation he has all day.  Sometimes in life we forget that some people just want to say something….to have friendships….to tell their STORY.  We may not all have beautiful homes to live in, food to eat, and a bed to sleep in…..but we ALL have a STORY to tell. 

As the holiday season approaches I am going to make an effort to make sure I listen more and talk less….especially to the needy and hurting.  This guy changed my day today….and I hope I did his too.

Summer Recap

– Summer 2011 –

Well lets start with the no good…bad….and just down right ugly….then we have nowhere to go but up!  I burnt my hand, fell down some stairs busting my face to pieces and breaking my nose, and my office ceiling tiles fell on my head spewing hundreds of gallons of antifreeze on me and my office….Daria assures me that things come in threes and I’m due for some relief from the weird and bad things happening.  And lets just be real honest if these three things are the worst of it I would say I’m pretty blessed.

Next up….Trips!  We went on a few trips this summer.  Our 1 year anniversary we spent in Taos and Santa Fe.  We also attending a wedding in the gorgeous Castle Pines, Colorado!  Some relief from the hot scorching summer heat of Oklahoma!  

 Miss Sloane and I had a wonderful summer hanging out and being awesome!  She’s changed so much over the last few months…She loves to walk, she can bark like a puppy, and she loves to take naps on my shoulder. 

And then of course the random fun stuff we had going on!  For 4th of July I made a fascinator headpiece out of paper flowers and a Patriotic 7 layer dip….it was an interesting 4th of July to say the least.  We cooked a lot.  I slept in a lot, read magazines, enjoyed our marital bliss….

I hope your summer was fantastic! 

Welcome, Fall….make yourself comfy and  stay a while!

Fall

Teddy and me! Our first fall together in New Orleans!

 

Pumpkin carving and faulty color kit black hair fiasco!

 

The bear dogs love fall! They hate sweating...like their Mom!

 

Even my May wedding had fall colors and flowers!

Today in my hometown it is 60 degrees and rainy….it’s such a nice break from what we have been dealing with…..It’s no secret I love fall.  I love it for a lot of reasons….but mainly so I can justify wearing cardigans…seeing as how I wear them in 100+ degree weather I can’t really say it’s a fall thing.

Football, lattes, outdoor activites, not sweating while standing still, crisp air, fantastic baking, time spent with family around the holiday, and hopefully this fall will bring me many surprises I don’t even know I love about it.  

It’s almost here people….and I couldn’t be happier about it.  Let the countdown begin!

Fooducate

So there is this new app out that I have been LOVING!

FOODUCATE

It’s all about making better choices about food and it for sure gives you the tools to do so!  And let me tell you what……I have been shocked by the results on some food.

  I also didn’t think hot ham and cheese sandwiches were “that bad”..so I’m clearly not great at this.

The Fooducate app can be used to:

  • Automatically scan a product barcode
  • See product highlights (both good and bad)
  • Compare products
  • Select better alternatives

You can scan in items and see it pop up with a grade…

 

Or you can browse items by type of food. 

Either way you do your search….it gives the item a grade and lots of other information as well.  LIKE points for each food for all you Weight Watchers peeps out there. 

And it’s FREE.  SCORE! 

So listen I’m not one to really talk but I will tell you that when I looked back at my past searches and my average grade was a C-….I thought it might be time to change some of my choices….which they make that easy as you can go to the ALTERNATIVES tab and find other items like it that are much better for you.  YAY US!  YAY FOODUCATE!  YAY FOOD! 

Gotta go stuff my face with some steak and wine now….BYE!