A year later….a lifetime of wonder

My Dad with Lydia on her 1st birthday

Someone asked me the other day if it felt like my Dad had been gone forever or if it felt like just the other day he passed.

I couldn’t answer.

The truth is, neither of those are true for me because it doesn’t feel real.

Until it does……….and then it hits me like a ton of bricks.

Like a punch in my stomach.

Then, there I am having to abandon my cart at Homeland grocery store because I’m crying so hard I can’t catch my breath.  I leap into my car and cry tears I didn’t even know were there.

I cry tears and feel sadness because an old man asked me where the tomato juice is and then I remembered that my Dad will never get that old.

And then in that moment I wonder.  I wonder so much….

What he’d think about Evie.

What he would be like as an old guy.

What did he wonder about?

What kind of relationship would we have as he got older.  Would he live with me or one of my sisters?  Would he cook us dinner?  He loved to cook.

I question everything I did and mainly didn’t do and I wonder “why the hell Haley….Why didn’t you.”

This week is hard.

I recall everything about this week last year with such clarity.  What I can tell you is that the day and the moment he took his last breath wasn’t the saddest part. I literally felt him leap out of this world and become free of pain.  Each time I asked my Dad if he was scared he always answered no.  I always made sure he wasn’t.  I was so scared I couldn’t hardly remember to breath.  I couldn’t imagine my life without him and here I am.  I had so much to tell him and to do with him.  I am still so scared to let go that I try to forget it’s real.

Grief doesn’t have a right or wrong response.  A year later I haven’t learned anything about this process except for that.

As I go through my life I’ll wonder about what my life would be like with him.  In that wonder I’ll do my best to honor him and remember he’d want what’s best and happiest for his girls.

Dad, I’m so so sorry you never got the chance to fill your own wonder and I won’t ever stop wondering for you.

I love you and I miss you.  Today and forever.

One Reason. My Dad.


This is a picture of my Dad.  He died on February 13, 2014.  3 days before his 67th birthday and many many days too early.

He was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and 4 weeks later he was gone.  He knew what he was up against but he had this fight in him that I’ve never seen in my life.  The chaplain in the ER came to his bedside and asked him about an advanced directive and he just looked at us with tears rolling down his face and said “Well this is it.  I either make it or I don’t.  I love you all and I’ve always just wanted the best for you.”  He wanted so badly to live.  To fight this.  Like so many with cancer he didn’t get that chance.  Did he suffer in the interim of his fight?  Hell yes he suffered.  Did things happen to him he would have much rather his daughters not have to see?  Absolutely.  But I can tell you this much…..he didn’t die undignified.  He died with his daughters holding his hands and looking as dashing as always.  It actually was the most dignified, peaceful, and heartbreaking thing I’ve experienced.

My Dad was there and in one final breath he was gone.  Forever gone.

I didn’t start blogging again after 2 years to tell you this sad story without a point.  My point is simple…..a death while fighting for your life isn’t dying undignified.   Whatever that fight looks like it’s damn sure not undignified.

My take on this story of Brittany Maynard is simple.   I have no idea what it’s like to be diagnosed with cancer or be told this tragic news.  She however has put her opinion of her life out for us all to think about and start talking about.  While I feel so sad for her and the tragic news she has received about her own life I am appalled at the people calling her decision to kill herself brave and courageous so that she dies with dignity.  It’s not about religion for me nor is it about my feelings on mental health and suicide (don’t get me started with either of those topics) it’s simply about one thing…..My Dad.  I’d give anything to hold his hand one more day….whatever suffering came with that one day I’d still take it gladly.  I’d help him pee.  I’d hold him while he cried.  I’d help him remember where he was.  I’d do anything for just one more moment.  Whatever that moment was.  I’d introduce him to my daughter he never met.

Brittany Maynard may have 2 more days after she takes that pill.  She might have 2 months.  But she’s choosing to take those days away.  Those moments.  Those introductions never made.  I can’t understand that.

Sure it’s her choice.  Her body.  Her life.  I just wish she loved all those things enough to know that she can fight for every last breath and STILL die dignified.  Still die with love surrounding her.  Still make an impact on this world without making suicide ever seem right.

Baby Spooniest – The short version

I was diagnosed with PCOS a year before Teddy and I started trying.  I went on Metformin.  It hated me for about the first month but we liked one another after that.

I was on Clomid from my OBGYN for 3 months when Teddy and I got serious about trying.  It didn’t help me ovulate whatsoever.

We started seeing a fertility doctor that my OBGYN referred us to.  He pushed IVF from the very start. 

I had a HCG done and was told there was slight blockage and it was slow to fill.  IVF was pushed even harder. 

We wanted to get a second opinion.  We got ALL of our medical records from the first fertility doctor.  Including the HCG results and took them to another doctor that my OBGYN suggested. 

Our new fertility doctor (Dr. C) was AMAZING from the start and during the first meeting with Dr. C we never even heard the words IVF.  In fact she said that my HCG results weren’t bad at all and gave us a lot of hope. 

We felt much much better about our options and future.  Whew….that was a good idea to get a second opinion….thanks TEDDY! 

I was on Clomid for 2 months and still no ovulation. 

Dr. C gave me the highest possible dosage of Clomid along with a trigger shot and wanted to take this next cycle very serious and possibly try IUI if I did ovulate.  A person can only be on Clomid for up to 6 months at a time and this was my last month to try with this particular medication.

We ovulated!  Whewhew!  And on a whim we decided IUI would be our best bet!  Go big or go home!  We were ready to give it our best shot and this was our best shot!   Teddy held my hand the whole way through and before we left that room we held hands and said a prayer I’ll never forget.  A moment shared with my sweet husband that might not have been our ideal way of conceiving but it was where we were and we were blessed to be there.

We waited the 2 weeks after the IUI…..

And on the second to the last day of waiting I took a pregnancy test and it was negative.  I was so sad.  But Teddy reassured me that they make you wait for a reason.

I woke up the morning of the day we were supposed to test and it was POSITIVE!  I couldn’t believe my eyes….so I took 5 more tests.  We went to Dr. C’s office that morning, had my blood drawn and sure enough….the IUI and the prayers had worked.  We were Baby carrying fools and oh so happy! 

Some people might think this post is over sharing but I want this to give someone hope that might not have any.  And if you think it’s over sharing then I’m not sure why you’ve read this far down. 

Before you are ready to start trying I suggest having your OBGYN run tests on both!  Like my dad always says….If you’re going to do something do it right.  You can’t get pregnant if you aren’t working right! 

If you or your Teddy have a diagnosis of something that will hinder you from having children don’t be scared to ask your insurance if you have to wait the 1 year before seeing a fertility doctor.   Our insurance did not make us wait the year since my PCOS was stopping me from ovulating.  You have to ovulate to get pregnant….duh. 

If you have a tug at your heart-strings to get a second opinon DO IT!  Don’t be scared!  Some doctors just aren’t a good fit and that’s why there are lots of them!  What’s right for some couples just might not be what’s right for you!  It’s that simple! 

Sorry this post has taken me so long to write….I’ve been busy going to be at 7:30 PM CST.  I’ll be back soon to touch on the much more important topics like baby bumps that are confused with overeating and tummy fat and seeing your baby move on the ultrasound the first time.  It’s pretty amazing stuff….this being pregnant. 

Lots of love,

Spooniest and Baby Spooniest


Really Exciting Baby News –

I can’t tell you how thrilled Teddy and I are about starting our family and being blessed with the amazing news of finding out I am pregnant! 

Yesterday I was offically 14 weeks pregnant. 

I am going to be telling the whole story right here on my blog because not only do I want to remember but I think it will help anyone out there that might be dealing with the frustration of baby making. 

Including but not limited to baby making the fertility way, doctor hunting, throwing up in cups while I drive, burping more than a frat boy, and other really wonderful stuff!  Stay tuned!

Lots of Love!

We have been very busy and having all sorts of fun lately!  January was a great month and February is going along wonderfully as well!  So yay us! 

We had a wonderful trip to The Canebrake in Wagoner, Oklahoma.  What a hidden gem this state has to offer!  LOVED IT!  They are so dog friendly which you know I LOVE!  But if you don’t love dogs it’s not a problem either.  It’s not like they are just running a muck all around the place!  Each morning we were there we woke up fairly early and took our dogs for a long walk….once we reached a certain point in the walk where we weren’t near any other folks or the cabins we took them off their leashes and let them run and they LOVED IT!  One morning I bent over to take Reggie off his leash and Teddy said “WAIT….DON’T DO THAT YET!” and I looked up and there were about 8 deers running across the field we let them run in.  They were just itching to go meet some new friends!  What an experience that would have been!  GEESH….Glad Teddy saw the deer!  Whew!    I took this photo on one of our walks and I love it….All my boys!  LOVE LOVE LOVE them! 

We have also been spending time with Sloaney and having such a fun time.  She’s such a hoot.  Speaking of nieces and nephews….I get to meet my new nephew Hayes tomorrow!  So excited about this!  I can’t wait to hold him and he will be so sweet and chunky.  All the Spooniest Family babies are chunky….I weighed 9 pounds 6 ounces.  GEESH…my poor mom!  Sloane really loves her Teddy and thinks he is the Cats Meow!  I mean one look at him and she’s melted….it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.  


I’ve been watching a lot of tutorials online about everything.  I don’t even need to know how to do half of these things I just enjoy watching people show people how to do things.  I mean the internet is really all one needs to learn how to do most things.  It’s nuts.  I’m nuts….I realize this.  Recently I watched a tutorial on how to make loose curls on one of my favorite blogs WHOORL and this is the result. 

I do look relatively tired in this photo but in my defense I have one of those sleepy faces.  I can be awake for an hour and still look like I just woke up.  This is not a good thing to have if you have an 8 AM meeting and your boss thinks you just rolled out of bed.  ACK! 

I used the clamp curling iron method on my hair but she goes over 2 different ways of obtaining the curls.  I really like her tutorials and pretty much she has the greatest fashion and hair advice/style ever.  Here is the Video Link.  You should try one of the two and tell me what you like best OR you could tell me a whole new way preferably in the video form and I could watch that tutorial as well.  It’s a sickness.

We had the BEST VALENTINE’S DAY ever yesterday!  We just couldn’t have asked for a better day and we didn’t even do much.  Teddy made me his famous lasagna and garlic toast and we went to bed at 9.  I mean we might be on the verge of acting 87 years old and I kinda love it.  Hope you all had a great day too! 



Friday Favorites

Favorite Furniture to be on the look out for.   A Bed Bench.

 Favorite Mom and baby.

Favorite Quote

Favorite thing to look forward to.  An upcoming weekend getaway to THIS PLACE

Favorite Red Head

Favorite Valentine’s Day Idea for Me and Teddy

Have your most favorite weekend yet! 

XOXO – Spooniest

Style my Neck

Do you all love a good scarf?  I do!  I feel like the older I get the more I purchase but I’ve always had a thing for them!  It’s a fun way to accessorize and cover up hickeys too….TOTALLY KIDDING!  HA! 

In all seriousness though it seems as if I have hit a scarf wall.  I can’t get them to look right on me lately and so I just end up wearing them thrown around my neck and then I end up looking like a bag lady which is pretty much par for the course!  On my last trip shopping with my family I picked up this infinity scarf and I love it! 

The great part is I don’t really have to make an infinity scarf look right I just throw it over my head.  I realize in this photo I”m wearing it with a turtle neck sweater which is more than likely a fashion faux pas but nonetheless it’s a great alternative to my proverbial brick wall scarf situation I’m in right now and it was cold as all get up this day! 

Today I went to the internet to search up some great scarf fashion and I found some really great styles that I think I need to channel!  


 image, image

It seems as if these beautiful ladies are using normal scarfs but they look almost like my favorite infinity ones.  Oh the talent one must have to accomplish this.  It also seems as if I have a thing for brunettes.  I’m going to practice this style at home and see if I can figure it out….I’ll keep you posted! 

Until next time!  XOXOXO!